Feed ‘em and weep

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for almost eight months now. And since its still on my mind, and I have a friend who just had a baby I figure now is as good a time as any to finally sit down to write it.

Ever since Harrison was born breastfeeding has been hard.

I think I was as prepared as any first-time mom could be about the reality of breastfeeding. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I knew that it would probably hurt for a while. But I knew that I really wanted to give it a chance. I listened to all those who told me that the pain goes away and feeding gets better but you just have to be committed for a few weeks to get through the tough parts. I thought I could handle that. I really didn’t expect butterflies, unicorns and choirs of angels to appear in the nursery when it was feeding time, but I did think I’d feel more capable than I did in the first few weeks.

In those first few weeks there were many times that I’d feed him and cry, or feed him and then cry.

It really hurt.

I had white-hot-tense-your-shoulders-curl-your-toes pain when he would latch. And I would feel guilty about not wanting to feed him because I was so sore and that would make me cry too. I felt like I couldn’t win.

Around the four week mark when I was hoping things would be starting to get better, I got a big tear on my left side. I wasn’t really sure what to do. I resorted to pumping and bottle feeding when it was time to feed on that side and eventually when I was almost healed (two weeks later) I used nipple shields to try to get back to nursing on that side. I worried that I’d end up being a one-boob-wonder (and that’s not the worst thing in the world) and cried some more about feeling like a failure.

I tried calling my local La Leche League for help and support and they never returned my call. Thankfully I did get help from my aunt, a retired nurse, who gave me some tips on how to help the healing and how to cope in the meantime. The left side eventually healed but it was never the same.

As the weeks passed we’d hit our stride and then miss it again. I was constantly worried that he wasn’t getting enough, or he’d go through a fit where he didn’t want to latch, or he was easily distracted and would pull away (hard) and leave me sore once again.

As prepared as I thought I was for the task of breastfeeding, I wasn’t prepared for the ups and downs that come after getting through the first few weeks. No one told me that the tough part can be sticking with it. I’m sure not everyone encounters these problems, but I did and no one warned me. I thought that getting through the painful part would be the end of breastfeeding woes. I was definitely unprepared for other bumps in the road. Through those months I both wanted to keep nursing and quit at the same time. Honestly I didn’t really want the work and fuss of formula feeding so I wanted to stick with nursing to keep from having to deal with all that goes along with preparing formula and washing bottles. Not to mention I wanted him to get all the benefits that breastfeeding can offer. I’m glad I stuck with it for more reasons than just convenience, but even choosing to breastfeed and foregoing formula made me feel guilty. Was my own desire for convenience keeping him from all the nutrition he needed?

Just after he turned six-months old he pulled away so hard that he left me with blisters and once again I was left to rely on pumping and bottle-feeding for a couple of days. I was so discouraged and ready to quit again. I was prepared for breastfeeding to hurt, but I didn’t think I’d be still feeling the pain when my baby was six months old.

Lately he has seemed less and less interested in nursing during the day. Amazingly after all the grief it’s given me I now find myself sad at the thought of losing this ritual as he naturally needs me less. Yet another surprise turn in my adventure in breastfeeding. It brings with it a new flood of emotion that I didn’t expect.

I know everyone’s experience is different on the whole, but I think we all have moments or days when our doubts creep in and our mole hills seem like mountains. And I know it would’ve helped me immensely to feel like I wasn’t the first to go through white-hot-tense-your-shoulders-curl-your-toes pain, or soreness, or guilt, or worry. So if you’re breastfeeding your baby and today is hard, don’t worry. You’re not alone. It’s okay to feed ‘em and weep.

The painted room

The weather has been a bit dreary around here lately, but it was bright enough through the cloud cover today to snap a couple pictures of the family room now that it’s painted. I managed to paint the whole room on Saturday and didn’t even have to dip into the new gallon of Stone Hearth that I bought since I had enough from the kitchen and foyer jobs.

Here’s a picture of the family room before I painted when it was two tones of green. Check out those awesome test swatches.

And now after with a coat of Stone Hearth on the top and Mink below the chair rail.

The Mink looks almost black in this picture but it is definitely dark brown in person.

The Stone Hearth provides some nice continuity from the foyer, and kitchen. The Mink is a nice pair for the Stone Hearth and is, much like I’d hoped, warm and inviting like a big hug. The dark chairs against the Mink definitely seems rather bottom heavy so we’ll need to lighten things up with throws, cushions, drapes, art and accessories. Painting the room brings our family room to-do list a little closer to completion.

Here’s what the list looks like now:

• Source and buy new couch.
• Wait 8-10 weeks for delivery
• Purchase new or “rediscover” secondhand arm chairs for more seating in the room
• Paint
• Find shelving units or display storage for either side of the fireplace
• Get a media storage unit for tv, speakers and receiver to replace the old coffee table that we are currently using to hold up our tv — yup we’re using a glass coffee table and the receiver and speakers are on the floor
• DIY a coffee table
• New ceiling fixtures
• Change the look of the fireplace without painting it. (I’ve got something up my sleeve)
• Art for the room. DIY?
• Window treatments
• Accessories – cushions, throws, baskets, objets d’art etc.
• NEW Find some side tables and maybe ottomans for the club chairs
• NEW Add a rug to define the space (I’m not sure if I like the rug on carpet idea, so it’s just a thought right now)

I have an idea for our coffee table and I’ve been trying to source the items I need. I’ve got a promising lead on a key piece for my DIY coffee table so hopefully I can give you more details on that soon. As for the fireplace makeover, I’d like that to be next on my list, but Rolly and I are still in talks (ie: negotiations) as to the best way to proceed.

Painting sneak peek

I was able to get the family room painted this weekend. We still have to put the furniture back into place so I haven’t taken “after” photos.

Here’s a sneak preview of how it turned out.

Sorry it’s a bit blurry. I snapped a quick pic while Harrison was sleeping. The colour on the back wall (right of the photo) is closest to what it looks like in real life. I’m loving how it turned out. Looking forward to getting things back in their place. “After” pictures to come!

Foyer consideration

I mentioned in a previous post that husbandman and I were making progress on lighting decisions for our foyer. And that is both true and false.

The FALSE: Our foyer still looks like this.

The TRUE: We found fixtures we liked online that we could order through a local retailer. Hooray for consensus! So, I called the shop and found out that the sconce and semi-flushmount options we chose were not regular stock items. That posed two problems. One problem was that we couldn’t stop by and see them in person just to be sure that we liked them. The other problem is that the salesperson told me that if we didn’t like them we’d be stuck with them since they are not regular stock items and they don’t accept returns on special orders. Cue the sad music.

And one last thing to convince us that special order was not the way to go was that the fixtures were rather pricey, and though we liked them based on the pictures online we didn’t want to be stuck with two expensive light fixtures that we didn’t like in real life.

We’ve now made four trips to big box stores specifically to find fixtures for the foyer (and a few other unrelated trips which resulted in a lighting department detour). The first trip was just reconnaissance. We got a sense of what is available and upon seeing what’s out there tried to narrow down our direction to an oil-rubbed bronze finish or go for something metallic like chrome or nickel.

Rona has an especially nice lighting selection and we found a promising option for the sconce spot but didn’t find anything equally moving for the ceiling fixture on our first trip there. Unfortunately we didn’t snap a pic of this awesome spotlight-y type light. And this is especially unfortunate because we were pretty excited about it and when we went back to see it again to see if we could decide on a complementary ceiling fixture we didn’t know which one we had originally fallen in love with. Are ya still with me? I think its a sign that it wasn’t meant to be. On the same return trip we did find a nice nickel spotlight-y type light but again couldn’t find a great ceiling fixture to relate to it.

We both really like the look and idea of a single spotlight. Like this.

This type of light is really well suited to shining down to highlight a beautiful piece of art.  But, we’re not sure that we want to put a single piece of art in that spot. So even though we couldn’t find a good match for our spotlight friend on our second trip to Rona we would’ve left empty handed anyway. After much discussion we came to the conclusion that we really have to first decide what we want to put under the “sconce” before we can make any lighting decisions for the foyer.

We’re both on the same page when it comes to furniture. We’re thinking a slim console table would be well-suited for that spot. As for what to put above it we still haven’t decided. I’m liking the idea of a small gallery of photos and/or small art pieces. The “guest book” from our wedding was a framed photo with signatures and well wishes on the matting. I loved having it in our main hallway in our old house and we haven’t found a home for it yet in our new house. I think it would be nice to have it displayed in a prominent spot again. One thing we don’t think we’ll do is put a mirror above or leaning on a console, since right now we have mirrored closet doors in the space and we don’t really need any more places to check your reflection.

I’ve been looking around for console inspiration so here are some photos that caught my eye.

I like that this one has the stools underneath and layered frames above. I’d substitute the mirror for art or photograph. (Found here)

Simple and clean with art above. (Originally from here. PS: If you click the link check out the price on the console!)

I love the tray and painted candlesticks and the quirky art above. I also love the console itself but we’re going to opt for an open console so that we’ll have easy access to our central vac and the power outlet in that space. (Originally from here)

I think this one is my favourite. (Originally from here).

The debate about what to put on the wall in the foyer continues in our house. Lighting choices are stalled pending wall decor decision.

What do you think? Gallery wall? A large canvas? A print? We need help.

Seven months

Harrison,

On the first day of the month we celebrated your half-birthday with a few friends and I marvelled at how far you’ve come in just six short months. We’ve had lots of reasons to celebrate in September with a few parties, two weddings (one that you attended), some out-of-town visitors, a baby shower and mama’s 30th birthday.

You reached another big milestone in September, too. You’re sleeping in your crib in your own room. Though we were happy to share our room with you, we are all sleeping better as a result of your move. On the first night in your new crib you slept through the night. You’ve slept through the night every night since.

You are starting to express yourself in new and very vocal ways. You’re squealing when you’re happy or excited, and you’ve taken to grunting to tell us that you are displeased. Your grunts sound like a goose or maybe an elephant? And, for what I’m considering my birthday gift from you, you said “mama” when I picked you up from your nap on the day before my birthday. Do you know what it means? No, but it melted my heart.

You tried even more new foods this month and you’ve got a new favourite – peas! You make this really cute fishy face when you eat the tart peaches that I made you. You gave avocados a second chance and are loving them this time around. Green beans are not exactly a hit but you don’t turn them away and apple sauce is another sweet favourite. On doctor’s orders we also started giving you formula. You were a bit picky about it for the first couple of days but now you’re polishing off the bottles we give you. That formula is plumping you up and even I’m noticing you packing on some pudge.

Mid-month you started sitting up on your own for more extended periods of time. You still haven’t quite figured out that throwing yourself backwards towards the floor when you no longer want to sit isn’t the most comfortable way to get there. For right now when you’re sitting you’re surrounded by pillows or blankets or stuffed animals to help break your (inevitable) fall. So far we haven’t had any major injuries and considering you’re my son that’s a minor miracle.

Love,

Mama